Secret Truths Revealed:Chapter 1
Disclaimer I do not own Fire Emblem. Author's Note: Introduction I found this fic buried in my folders and rereading it made me cry. -_- I don't know where to go with it from there, but I know I want the second (and intentionally the last) chapter to be basically Ike convincing Soren to spend their lives together. Happy endings and all that. Chapter Body The gray light seeping through the window fell onto Ike's waiting eyes. With a tired sigh after a sleepless night, he sat up and swung his legs over the edge of the bed. He tugged on a shirt and breeches and stuffed his feet into supple leather boots before stepping out of his room. He looked at the door across the narrow hall from his, waiting with an anxious knot in his stomach. Soren met him every day at dawn to discuss the state of affairs in the Greil Mercenaries before everyone came out for breakfast. They always entered the hall within seconds of one another like clockwork, and as those precious seconds ticked by, Ike's anxiety ebbed into disappointment. He padded quietly to the kitchen table to wait for Oscar's meal, more out of instinct than actual appetite. It was only about twenty minutes later that Oscar arrived in the kitchen, greeting his commander cheerily only to be chilled by a disheartened mumble in return. He tried to make conversation as he cooked, sensing Ike's discontent. Were it just another bad night of sleep, Ike may have tried to assure Oscar -- and later, his other companions -- that he was fine, that business would continue as usual because the world doesn't stop when Ike isn't feeling well. But the swordsman was much too emotionally exhausted to make the effort to comfort even himself, let alone those around him. It was very uncharacteristic of him, and he knew that would worry them more, but he just couldn't bring himself to care. There would only be one thing Ike cared about today, and that was seeing Soren. Talking to Soren, explaining to Soren, listening to him. There had to be something he could say or do to release the tension and anxiety and fear emanating from that relationship right this moment, but he would have to bear it all until Soren was ready to talk. Forcing anything on the mage would only make things worse at this point. When Oscar presented him with a plate, he mumbled his thanks and picked up a fork. His stomach felt empty, but not in a hungry sense. More that his whole body felt empty, felt so empty that nothing could fill it. He couldn't stomach much of the food and just ended up picking at his eggs. He hadn't bothered to notice who else was in the room, but he could feel eyes on him. "Is something wrong, Ike?" Mist asked softly. Ike vaguely realized that no one else was speaking, like they were all waiting for the answer to that question. He probably didn't understand how troubling his behavior was, but even Shinon was watching him out of the corners of his eyes. "Just didn't get much sleep last night. I'm going to take the day off. Titania, you lead." With that, Ike rose, leaving his plate to Boyd the Scavenger, and headed to the training yard. He carried his body through the motions of training just to pass the time. There was nothing he could do to get his mind off of his tactician, but he wanted to give Soren a little more time to confront him before he caved and begged the mage for answers. After his training regimen, however, there wasn't much more for Ike to do to pass the time. He thought about trying to do his laundry, but Mist did it so often now that he didn't even know where she kept all the materials. He'd never been much for reading like Soren, so the base's small study was pretty much a dead end. He cared for his blade only a few days ago, so trying it again would do more harm than good. In the end, he just decided to sit out by the lake and try to nap. Of course, napping wasn't really an achievable goal about at the moment. Sitting underneath the shade tree on the hill overlooking the lake, his mind was alive with flickering images and sounds and feelings from the previous day. It had been here, under this tree, late yesterday afternoon, that his world had crumbled apart. Soren had been with him, of course. After the days missions, this was their favorite spot to occupy after the daily reports. Sometimes they talked, sometimes they didn't, sometimes they even brought out a chess set and watched Ike's meager attempt at the game sizzle and die under Soren's expertise. Once, Ike had gotten Soren to genuinely laugh aloud, and to this day, he could hear that laughter ringing in his ears. Yesterday was one of those days when they talked about their lives. About their childhoods, together and apart, about the wars, about the future. About their thoughts and their feelings. And it was the lattermost of those that had gotten Ike in trouble the day before. Talking about feelings came more easily with Soren than with anyone else, and he'd like to think Soren felt the same after he finally understood that Ike accepted him despite the conditions of his birth. But even after so many years of friendship and trust, they both still had their secrets. Ike had only really had one left. And he made the mistake of revealing it to Soren. They'd been talking about their future, their feelings and desires for it. Soren was never very talkative about that subject, so it didn't come up very often, but his few implications were bothering Ike. While Soren had never directly said it, he had hinted that he would just fade into the background once Ike had married and settled down and started a family and whatnot. The way he said it made Ike feel like he intended to just disappear after that, once he didn't feel Ike had time for a best friend anymore. That thought made panic rise in Ike's throat, and that panic is probably what made him speak and act so foolishly. He had turned to look Soren in those ruby eyes of his. He supposed that his own eyes had been urgent, because Soren seemed somewhat alarmed by this. "Soren, I don't ever want you to leave," Ike had told him, trying to stifle the desperation in his voice. The mage tried to avert his eyes so he could lie and tell Ike he never would, but Ike wasn't going to hear that nonsense again. He cupped Soren's chin and kept his head in place. The firmness of that action made Soren meet his eyes again, those crimson orbs filled with confusion and guilt. What came out of Ike's mouth next came unbidden, seemed to tumble out of his lips before he stop them. "Don't think for a second that you're going to get crowded out of my life. You are my life, Soren. And I don't need anything else." Ike couldn't keep the need and love from showing in his eyes. He just wasn't good at hiding his feelings. All that had kept him from telling Soren before this were wars and nobles, but mostly the fear that he'd lose or detriment the friendship by revealing these feelings. But as he watched realization dawn in Soren's eyes, he used the mage's shock to his advantage. He just couldn't help seizing what would probably be the only chance he'd ever have to claim those lips... The kiss was soft and sweet, the taste tingling on Ike's lips even as he recalled it a day later. The memory was vivid. He could still smell the tactician's clean scent, reminding him of the fresh smell of grass after a spring rain. What still awed the blue-haired soldier was how incredibly soft Soren was. His skin, his lips, his hair, everything he touched was just irresistibly soft... Ike drew a shuddering breath and forced that memory back. It was just too painful. He would never be able to enjoy that memory, the memory of his first kiss with the love of his life, because of what happened afterward. For just a moment, Soren had leaned into that kiss, pressed his lips more firmly to Ike's, but that moment vanished as though it had never existed a moment later, when Soren ripped himself away from Ike and stumbled down the hill to the base. He'd been running, Ike could tell, with all his strength, and Ike had been too startled to catch up before the mage had barred himself in his room. Now, Ike faced the world where his biggest fears had come true. He had ruined his friendship with Soren. He had lost his best friend. He felt like he'd lost the love of his life, too, but it was more painful to know that he couldn't have lost what he'd never had. Before his mind could explore too deeply the consequences of this loss and what it meant for his future, he got up and decided to finally knock on Soren's door. It was mid-morning by now, so Ike was sure by now that Soren wasn't going to confront him on his own. He'd have to initiate that conversation, apologize a thousand times and beg for whatever forgiveness the mage could muster. He was ready to do that when he knocked on the door. There wasn't an answer. That troubled Ike. Even if he was angry, Soren should answer when called on. After all, they were mercenaries, and sometimes the lives of others called beyond the misery of one's personal life. Soren had always been reliable back-up on a mission, so to not even answer a knock was quite bothersome. Ike knocked again, a little harder. Still no answer. Knowing the door was barred shut, he had no choice but to go around to the window. As he walked around to that side of the fort, his heart started racing. What had happened to Soren? Could he really be sleeping at this hour, or was there much more to be concerned about? Had he left with the other mercenaries while Ike wasn't paying attention, and there was nothing to be worried about at all? When he saw the state of the window, his heart froze. It was open, letting the air stir the curtains inside. When he looked into the room, it was nearly bare. Climbing in, he shifted through things a bit in the familiar room. All Soren's clothes were gone, a good portion of his tomes, and some of his favorite books. Numb with shock and horror, the possibilities still hadn't struck Ike by the time he found the note on the dresser. His name was written in neat, elegant lettering on the outermost fold. Carefully, he plucked it off the dresser and sat on the bed. He unfolded slowly, aware that he wasn't prepared for what it said. My dearest Ike, Please don't dwell on my reasoning for what I'm about to do. Don't dwell on me at all. It is with a sad heart that I bid you goodbye forever, my love. If you ever doubted that I loved you, don't; it is true. It is because I love you that I must leave. Do not believe that there was ever a chance we could be together. Do not stay awake at night asking yourself what could have been. It never could have been. I always dreaded that this would happen because I knew that it would mean the end of our relationship. Hate me. Hate me today and tomorrow and forever. Hate me the way you love me, hate me because you love me. Hate me for the lies I told and the truths I kept for myself. Hate me so you can see what's best for you, so you can find a future with someone who can give you all the happiness you deserve. I hope with all my heart that when you find that happiness, you can forget me completely. He only signed his name at the bottom. Author's Note: Conclusion Angsty stuff. Not sure if I should continue this endeavor, so I ask for everyone else's opinion on the matter.